Retro Action Hero Series: Top 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger Films

 

It should be clear to anyone who browses through this blog that I love making lists and ranking things. I've recently viewed a few 80's and 90's films featuring popular action heroes of the era, and thought it would be fun to compile a series of rankings for several actors that met with success during a time when action movies were being cranked out consistently. The first such list features the iconic Schwarzenegger, who was a household name by the mid-80's and ruled the box office for more than a decade.

5. Commando (1985)

Released just a few months after Rambo: First Blood Part II, Commando was Arnold's answer to the one-man army genre that found success in the glorious 80's. Schwarzenegger's character, John Matrix (yes, that's his name), is practically superhuman as he carries a large tree and later flips over a phone booth with a man inside. One-liners came to prominence here as well, with lines like "He's dead tired" and "Let off some steam, Bennett" being some of the most memorable. The simple premise of Matrix trying to get his daughter back from military kidnappers clears the way for action, especially the brutal climax featuring a high body count and tons of explosions. The steel drum score from James Horner stands out, as does the incredibly cheesy "We Fight For Love" closing credits song by The Power Station, which references the film's tagline: "Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay", and pay they did.

4. The Terminator (1984)

After the successful Conan films brought widespread attention to Schwarzenegger, The Terminator catapulted him to superstardom and started a long and successful run of action films. The complex time-travel premise and odd choice to name the film after the villain paid off for James Cameron, and thus started a franchise. Arnold really was the perfect choice to portray a cold, unstoppable killing machine, and his famous "I'll be back" debuted here. For kids in the 80's who sneaked into the living room to catch this one, or whose parents didn't care what their kids watched, The Terminator was cool. It's a blend of action, horror, and sci-fi that Cameron would further perfect with Aliens.

3. Last Action Hero (1993)

Look up any modern review of Last Action Hero and statements like "underrated", "misunderstood", or "ahead of its time" are sure to be found. I am firmly in that camp as well. I saw the film when it released on VHS way back in the 90's and thought it was dumb. I didn't get it. Never bothering to see it again, I gave it another shot a couple of years ago, and understood what everyone was saying about it. Action films were still being taken too seriously in 1993, so audiences must not have connected with the parody/homage that this film offers. It basically takes all of the action film stereotypes and cranks them to eleven for comedic effect. It works now in retrospect, and still manages to pull off impressive action and stunt work.

2. Predator (1987)

Not too many films can top the level of testosterone found in Predator. Every decade produces its fair share of films destined to be "Dad Movies", and this one easily earns a spot. A group of mostly muscle-bound soldiers are sent into the jungle for what seems like a routine mission, until they are stalked by an alien hunter who picks them off one by one. There is tons of quotable dialogue, and it's a treat to see Arnold team up with Carl Weathers (that mid-air arm wrestle has become the stuff of legend). Throw in a "prep for battle" montage and you've got an instant classic.

1. Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

One of the best sequels of all time that effortlessly betters its predecessor, Terminator 2 was a massive hit during the summer of 1991. I recall hearing the Guns N' Roses song, buying the trading cards, playing the video game, and reading the comic book adaptation all before actually seeing the movie when it came out on VHS. It blew me away, and is one of the most-watched movies of my teen years. It manages to make the complex time-travel concepts palatable, and offers some of the best action ever put on screen. The effects were groundbreaking, and even though Arnold was playing another cyborg, it's one of his best performances, managing to make the audience care about him. Not just Arnold's best film, one of the best action films of all time.

Runners-Up:

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"It's not a tumah!" Schwarzenegger plays an undercover cop who is forced to pose as a kindergarten teacher. Hilarity ensues. His most successful comedy effort.

True Lies (1994)

James Cameron doesn't quite reach Terminator levels here, but the action is terrific and the comedy mostly works.

Ranked: DCEU Films

 

Following in the footsteps of the already five-year-old Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) in 2013, Warner Bros. launched the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) with the release of Man of Steel. Eight films have followed, with varying success. More films are on the way. While it seems the DCEU will forever be playing catch-up with Marvel, there are a couple of solid movies in this bunch, and the hope that better things are on the horizon. Here's my ranking of the films so far, with the exception of Birds of Prey.

Not Ranked: Birds of Prey (2020)

I haven't seen Birds of Prey, and I have no plans to do so. Have never been a fan of Harley Quinn, and found her character extremely annoying in Suicide Squad. That, coupled with the frustration with R-rated comic book movies that shouldn't be, will forever keep this one off my radar. Completionist tendencies will only take me so far.

8. Suicide Squad (2016)

I outright hated this movie. Bad dialogue, bad CGI, a terrible villain, an annoying Joker, the list goes on. Will Smith was the only thing this movie had going for it, but he can't carry the mess of a film he's surrounded by. Suicide Squad had the potential to be an offbeat, fun superhero movie, but instead it just turned out to be horrible.

7. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

This film came way too early in the franchise. Instead of reintroducing Batman in his own film or making a sequel to Man of Steel, Warner quickly placed this as the second DCEU film. It would have been way more effective to wait until audiences had accepted the new iterations of these characters before pitting them against each other, but money talks. What we did get is another mess of a film with bad pacing, more bad CGI, and an anticlimactic death of Superman. Batman v Superman introduced audiences to Wonder Woman, so it has that going for it.

6. Shazam! (2019)

Another DCEU entry with a lot of unrealized potential. Shazam is a fun character, and there was an opportunity to make a family-friendly, light comic book movie that could appeal to all ages. Instead we get a film with tone issues from the get-go, with some very dark, violent moments sprinkled in to the mix. It doesn't work, and it's a shame because the performances here are so earnest. This movie isn't terrible, but it's problematic and ultimately forgettable.

5. Justice League (2017)

Justice League is an example of too much, too soon. Audiences had yet to connect with these characters, with maybe the exception of Wonder Woman, so it didn't work to rush out an epic team movie to compete with the MCU. I realize that Justice League is a hot mess, but the fun on display makes it more enjoyable than previous films on this list. Call it a guilty pleasure, but despite the bad effects and corny jokes, there is still plenty to like in this one. Will the "Snyder Cut" improve the film? Who knows. It certainly can't hurt it.

4. Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

This is possibly the most disappointing movie on the list. The trailers were amazing, the 80's vibe looked infectious, and it looked like the DCEU was on its way to greatness. Hopes were high, and as most audiences watched this one from the comfort of their own homes, word quickly got out that it was a huge misfire. Having my expectations firmly adjusted was crucial to enjoying the film. Tone issues similar to Shazam! are present, and for every great action scene or dramatic moment there's a bad one. Overall this movie was fun and well-performed, but lacking the spark that was present in the original.

3. Aquaman (2018)

For the most part, Aquaman delivers with the right tone and the right amount of fun lacking thus far in this franchise. This is a colorful film, and it embraces its comic book roots rather than trying to tweak them. There's a lot to take in here, from the undersea kingdoms and creatures, to the Black Manta story line, to the Julie Andrews sea monster. Aquaman manages to be goofy and endearing at the same time, and I think Warner should look to it as a template for future films.

2. Man of Steel (2013)

When Man of Steel released, I was hopeful that something exciting was on the horizon for DC, as the trailers generated quite a bit of interest. Man of Steel in IMAX was the loudest movie I'd ever been to, as it shook my insides and rendered me temporarily deaf. It was amazing, a memorable theatrical experience, and at the time I thought this could be the best Superman movie yet. Now that this film nears the 10-year mark, the 1978 original is still the champ, but this one still holds up pretty well, giving fans plenty of souped-up action, an amazing look at Krypton, and a solid take on the character by Henry Cavill. I hope we get another Superman film before this franchise completely falls apart.

1. Wonder Woman (2017)

This film is fairly easy to compare to Captain America: The First Avenger, which happens to be one of my favorite MCU movies featuring my favorite comic book character. Wonder Woman offers an origin story, a WWII backdrop, and a battle sequence that all work together to make for a great time. While the villains are weak at best, this is such a good-natured, well-meaning, crowd-pleaser. It's the gold standard for the DCEU so far, and while the sequel didn't live up to it, there's hope for similar films down the road.

Warner's best bet at this point is to break from the DCEU, loosely fitting movies into it and offering alternate takes on characters. They're already doing this with Joker and the upcoming The Batman. It also sounds like the Flash movie will act as a course correction with its "Flashpoint" story line. Whatever the case it's still a great time for superhero fans. Let's just get this pandemic over with so we can get back to the movies.

The Master: TV Ninja Fun

One of the most popular trends in entertainment in the 80's was the fascination with all things ninja. Movies like American Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and The Octagon may not have been box office blockbusters, but were mainstays on cable and syndicated television. Grocery story magazine racks were replete with ninja-related fare, and comic book storylines often included the stealthy martial arts warriors in titles such as Daredevil, Wolverine, and Ronin. Ninjas were often featured, usually as villains, in TV shows of the day, paving the way for The Master, a show exclusively about ninjas. Well, sort of.

Another 80's trend were TV shows geared toward a young male audience that only lasted half of a season. Many shows attempted to capitalize on the success of programs like Knight Rider, The A-Team, and Airwolf, with limited results. Street Hawk was the motorcycle version of KITT, Blue Thunder, based on the movie, was ABC's version of Airwolf. Automan tried to continue the popularity of the movie TRON, and on and on it went. Most of these shows lasted for 13 episodes and were forgotten until the internet reminded everyone of how good or bad they were, depending on one's sense of nostalgia. The Master was one of those 13-episodes-and-then-gone shows, and is one of the few such programs to get the Blu-ray treatment.

Lee Van Cleef, best known for starring in westerns such as The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, is John Peter McAllister. He's an American who became a ninja master while residing in Japan following the end of World War II. Naturally, he fell in love and sired a child, a daughter who, for reasons that aren't important (i.e. I can't remember), ended up in the states. McAllister returns to the U.S. in search of his estranged daughter, and runs into hapless wanderer Max Keller (Timothy Van Patten, related to the Van Pattens and now-director of TV shows). Max drives a van, keeps a pet hamster in a wheel under the dash, and is often thrown out of bars via the window. The only other recurring character is Okasa (Sho Kosugi of the Ninja trilogy), McAllister's former student turned evil assassin.

The formula of The Master at its core is a buddy/road motif, with martial arts thrown in for appeal. This formula works well for the era, and could have supported a longer run. The pilot episode shows promise, introducing the characters, establishing that Max wants to be trained by a reluctant McAllister, and starting the search for the estranged daughter. The pilot even features a young Demi Moore for Max to rescue and fawn over. It was goofy but worked, and stirred enough interest to continue the series.

What followed, however, was a hit-and-miss run of episodes, and when they missed, they missed hard. If the writers had stuck to the search for the daughter, and planned it out to give just a little more each episode, the first season probably would have lasted a full run. Instead, the search for the daughter seems to be forgotten every other episode. The stunt double for Van Cleef is painfully obvious, and many of the fight scenes are underwhelming, as Van Patten didn't seem to bother with any martial arts training whatsoever. The best scenes occur when Okasa shows up and fights a ninja-masked McAllister, giving viewers more authenticity to the skirmish.

The Master is an overall fun 80's throwback, but it was a mishandled show, and the thirteen episodes can become a bit of a chore to get through at times. The pilot is definitely worth a look for fans of all things 80's or all things ninja, but otherwise it's easy to see why the short lived series has fallen into relative obscurity.

Ranked: Star Wars Films

The "Skywalker Saga" is complete. We now have nine films comprised of three trilogies and two "A Star Wars Story" movies. Opinions are as mixed as ever, especially when it comes to the Prequels and the more recent entries. While fans utilize a little down time to re-watch and re-evaluate The Rise of Skywalker in their homes, it's a perfect time to rank all eleven films, from worst to best:

11. Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I've recently reorganized my rankings for the Prequels following the latest re-watch. Attack of the Clones isn't a very good movie. The dialogue is borderline awful, the jokes are eye-rolling at best, and the effects have not aged well at all. There is some good action here, including the battle with Jango Fett and most of the finale, but the focus is on the love story between Anakin and Padme, and, simply put, it's uninteresting.

10. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Revenge of the Sith is significantly better than Clones, with a bit of dramatic heft and better performances. The dialogue is still fairly bad at times, and the effects are not aging well. Anakin and Obi-Wan's battle above the lava is a tad over the top, but concludes effectively. Not as epic as it could have been, yet Sith still manages to tie the first two trilogies together nicely.

9. Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The much-reviled Phantom Menace is, in my opinion, the best of the Prequels. The practical and digital effects are the best in this trilogy and hold up quite well. The podrace and final battle sequences are still exciting. Darth Maul is still a great villain. Jar Jar is still annoying. The yammering about the Galactic Senate is still boring. There's give and take here, but ultimately, Episode I holds up better than the other two Prequels, and I think the tide will turn on this one soon.

8. Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

I don't hate this one nearly as much as other circles of Star Wars fandom, although I agree it has its problems. This film bore a lot of weight, as it not only concluded the latest trilogy, but also acted as the final chapter in a nine-film Saga. Many fans groaned over some of the plot contrivances and reveals that were present in Rise of Skywalker, and in some cases they were justified in their opinions. While many of the story points are indeed hit-and-miss, this is a brisk film full of great Star Wars action. The performances are generally strong, but it does leave one feeling as if it should have been something more.

7. Solo: A Star Wars Story

Solo had a troubled production in addition to a troubled release, with lukewarm reception from critics, fans, and at the box office. It may have been the result of Star Wars overload, as Disney perhaps expected audiences to respond as they had with the Marvel films, which could sustain multiple releases each year. While Solo doesn't offer anything new to the franchise, it's a fun movie and its strength may be in the fact that it doesn't offer anything new. There are no cumbersome reveals, no clunky retcons, and there is no need for the viewer to be an encyclopedia of Star Wars knowledge. Solo is simply a breezy sci-fi western heist movie, and it works.

6. Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Perhaps the most polarizing of all Star Wars films, The Last Jedi is a mixed bag that ultimately offers something refreshing to the franchise. While the film does little to satisfactorily continue the threads left dangling in Force Awakens, it does offer great action and strong performances. The risks taken for this movie are appreciated, but ultimately leave this fan a little disappointed, Luke's arc being the biggest contributor.

5. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi is usually considered to be inferior to the other two original trilogy films, but that doesn't mean it's not a great Star Wars movie. This one is packed to the gills with great effects and action sequences, another fantastic John Williams score, and an amazing finale. Return of the Jedi also wears its commercialism on its sleeve, when toy promotions were at their peak. The best aspect of the film is that its a true trilogy capper. It ends.

4. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rogue One gets a bad rap in some circles, which doesn't make much sense, although everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's a great standalone movie, a great sci-fi action movie, and a great Star Wars movie. It acts as both a heist film and a war film, and is bold enough to introduce a stable of great characters, knowing what the end result will be for all of them. Rogue One is top-tier Star Wars, and is a prefect bridge between trilogies, or prologue to the original trilogy if one chooses to ignore Episodes I-III.

3. Episode VII: The Force Awakens

The excitement behind a new Star Wars trilogy was unprecedented, especially since this one would feature the old gang getting back together as well as introduce new characters. As it turned out, the old gang didn't actually get back together, but the new characters were promising. What Force Awakens accomplished so well was that it has energy, which was just what it needed to be successful. Sure, it follows most of the story beats of A New Hope, but it does so in a way as not to be distracting. This one also conjures up some interesting new mysteries, which were unfortunately never paid of in a fulfilling way.

2. Episode IV: A New Hope

We wouldn't have Star Wars without A New Hope, one of the original blockbusters and one of the most important films of all-time. Star Wars took old adventure film tropes and made them fresh, exciting, and new. It was a cultural event, and major part of so many people's childhoods. This still holds up as a fun adventure, with groundbreaking effects, energetic performances, and great characters. Forty-three years later, kids of all ages are still swinging plastic lightsabers in households across the globe.

1. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Empire isn't just the best Star Wars film, it's one of the greatest films of all time. It represents cinematic perfection, when story, acting, music, effects, and sets all work in unison to present something unprecedented. This is a classic, with so many lines still quoted on a daily basis and so many great moments that are forever ingrained in our society's culture. This is my personal favorite movie ever, and it's one that has never become old no matter how many times it's been viewed.